Small Things

During deployment, moms gotta prioritize

So I think I really scared off a mom at my daughter's preschool the other day. Several of us moms were letting the kids play on the playground after picking them up at their classrooms, and one of the moms was telling us about how her husband had just deployed for  6-7 months. And she'd just had her second baby a few months before. I've been there many times, so I knew exactly how she was feeling, and exactly what she had ahead of her.

Another mom sitting with us asked me if I have family nearby. I said, "Nope." Her eyes widened . She asked how I do it. I talked about having a couple other Navy spouse friends to call in an emergency. I said that I learned to let go of a lot of things, I accepted that I can't keep up with housework. I teach my kids to be independant.

And there was something else I wanted to say, but I hesitated. I didn't want to be judged, I didn't want them to think I'm crazy. But looking at this young mom, with two little ones, and many months ahead . . . I decided to go out on a limb and say it.

I told them that I learned to prioritize wisely, and that my number one priority during deployment is "Don't beat the kids."

I tried to be flip, and say it kind of jokingly. But I think I scared them anyway.

And now by posting this, I may have scared off a couple of the handful of friends who read my blog.

But I say this because it is true. I say this because a few months ago a friend of mine posted a link to a news story about an abused child with the comment, "What kind of person would hurt a child?"

And it seems too many of us think child abusers are crazy monsters who should never be trusted with children, who are belligerent and neglectful and either have addictions or severe mental disorders.

And yes, there are some ghastly tragic and evil stories in the news.

But a good amount of very sad abuse happens when parents who are at the end of their rope lose their cool and can't control their anger.

I love my kids, and I aim to be calm and respectful in how I teach them discipline.

But when I am exhausted and out of patience, have 6 urgent demand for my attention, and a messy house, and they are yelling and acting out, I can lose my cool. I can be a mean mommy. I can get pretty cranky.

So I decided to purposely eliminate most of those other demands on my time and attention. Housework, potty training, cooking, hairbrushing, even matching socks--they all take a back seat. I closed my internet business, I quit taking freelance editing jobs, and I stopped volunteering to run spouse clubs, or teach catechism. For awhile, at least.

Because all those demands add stress, steal my sleep, put pressure on, and in those heated moments when screaming kids are melting down, I can meltdown, too.

I pared down my priorities, so that I have enough energy, patience, and sanity to say to myself, "Do not beat the kids. Don't spank them. Don't scream. Lower your voice, and tell them to lower theirs."

I try to remember to talk to them like I love them, even when I am furious. I force myself to give them a hug, or a soft hand on their back, and tell them I care about their feelings, even when they are wailing over enforced consequences, or sulking and glaring at me.

I wish I knew how to stay calm and patient in the face of tantrums and STILL care about dishes and laundry, mopping and vacuuming, cooking a healthy meal instead of ordering pizza or opening soup cans. I do more of those things when my husband is home to share some of the parenting load.

But during deployment, I keep my eyes on the prize. Keep calm and carry on. Eat some chocolate after they go to bed.

I just wanted that mom to think about her priorities. And know that it's okay if she has to clear off her plate a bit and focus on number one.

A Shout-Out to my Vacuum on our 11th Anniversary

Eleven years ago, our three-year-old Eureka vacuum quit, and like most vacuums, it was not designed to be repaired. I decided to invest in an Oreck XL upright. The one in all the magazine ads, with the handheld attachment vac that can suck up a bowling ball. That one. I bought a refurbished floor model with a full warranty.

It was perfect. We recommended it to everyone we knew. So lightweight, I carry it up and downstairs with one hand. It's great on both thick carpets and hard floors. The only problems I ever encountered were to pull a string or ribbon off the beater bar, and to replace the belt every couple of years. Which cost a couple bucks at the Oreck store, and once the clerk gave me a bag of belts for free.

Last year my mother bought an Oreck XL, and my Dad questioned the higher price.

Mom said, "In the ten years that Kristi's had her Oreck, we've gone through three vacuums."

"I'm sold," replied Dad.

Last week, the power cord frayed, and it quit. From my kids' rough handling, the cord had split, and it just got yanked too far. My husband easily removed the entire cord from the handle and saw it would be easy to insert a new one.

The biggest problem was that all the Oreck stores have closed. There are some parts you can order online, but not a cord. Fortunately, he found a local repair shop that had the part.

Burdick's Sewing and Vacuum in Chula Vista was very helpful, and though they don't usually sell that part but do the repair themselves, they agreed to sell it to my husband, with a military discount. They even attached the proper plug-thing with wires (not the technical term) to the end for us.

So for under thirty bucks, our eleven -year-old vacuum is good as new. I still love it, I like having a HEPA bag to remove and throw away with no mess. It's the lightest full-power vacuum. The thing is, the sleek new Oreck models in the store were quite attractive . . . maybe one day when one of our kids gets their own place, we can pass down our old Oreck and then we'll get to buy a pretty new one!