Small Things

Afraid of the Dark

Our six-year-old has been struggling with fear lately, like most kids do. He doesn't like going into dark rooms at night, and I understand because neither do I. I am still a little afraid of the dark. When my husband's deployed, I like to sleep with a hall light on.

When we moved back into this condo in our last move, there was no overhead light in Jimmy's room, so I bought a hanging lantern with a light kit at Pier One and hung it in his room, plugged to the socket that the switch by the door controls.

My husband is not so understanding of Jimmy's fears. I don't think he's ever really been afraid of anything, and I suppose that is partly why he's so well suited to being a Navy pilot. But he doesn't like to indulge our kids' fears, and while I agree it's good to help them get over them, I don't believe in the "throw them in the deep end" method.

Last night, Jimmy was told to go upstairs and get pj's on and brush his teeth. He did a squirmy little dance, whining that he was afraid. His dad rolled his eyes, but I pulled him over to sit next to me and asked him to tell me what he was afraid of upstairs.

He didn't want to tell me. I told him I'm afraid of the dark sometimes, even though there's nothing to be afraid of, so I understand. "Why won't you tell me?" I asked.

"Because I'm afraid you'll laugh."

"I promise I won't laugh. You can trust me."

He hesitated. Finally, he quietly said, "Aliens."

I had to press my lips together really hard. And then bite down on them a little. I felt my husband quietly chuckling next to me.

We all ended up going upstairs together to get the kids ready for bed. It's tough keeping a promise sometimes.

35 isn't mid-life, it's mid-project

I am turning 35 this month. My husband asked me how I feel about turning 35, and my answer was, "I don't." I don't feel anything about it. Because I really don't think about it. Maybe that's a nice collateral effect of being preoccupied with three small children all the time.

I've discussed birthdays and aging with a few people lately, and I've figured out that I see my life right now as a stage, an era in my life. Having kids at home all the time, being a stay-at-home mom, is hard, and chaotic, and  . . . restrictive in many ways. I absolutely chose this life, and cherish this life, even though I don't always handle it gracefully.

But I also know it is temporary. Fleeting, even. My life will change dramatically when they are all in school for most of the day. When they are all able to do chores, pour drinks, bathe themselves, and are potty-independant, it will be a whole new ballgame. They will still need me . . . but not so constantly, and not so physically. Hopefully a little more cerebrally.

A couple of friends recently talked about coming to terms with reaching our adult goals in our thirties, and then feeling bored, with no major goals around the bend. That's not a problem for me. This job is a temp job, and I even have an end date in sight.

My husband is eligible for retirement from the Navy when we're 42. And even if we have another child, he or she would be school age by then, as well. So while I have no idea where we will be living, or what my husband's job will be, I know that age 42 will be a life-changing door to opportunity to me. Many restrictions lifted. More time for my individual pursuits.

When I've discussed this with my husband, he grins and says, "Who said I'm getting out at 20? That could be be when it just gets interesting!" We'll see. I'm open to discussion, when the time comes. Regardless, there will be a new era, new goals to plan.

For now, I am but halfway through the current plan. Mid-project, still working out the kinks, haven't quite found the balance between my kids needs and my own. Tinkering with a couple new strategies, particularly in the stress-management area.

Boredom is not a problem. I'm OK with 35. It's actually better than 30 was. I've been abundantly blessed with family, and lots of it, which keeps me busy but happy. It's going to be a good birthday.