Small Things

Our lives are made in these small hours

Friday night is usually movie night at our house, especially when Jamie is gone. The kids get excited to pop popcorn, stay up a little later, and pick a movie On Demand. I like a good excuse for pizza and eating in front of the TV. This past Friday's pick was Meet the Robinsons, a movie we have seen before, but it's been awhile, and it was one of my favorite kids' movie's in a long time. I started it at about 7, and while the kids watched, I was busy with the pizza, the dishwasher, sorting mail, feeding the baby, changing a diaper, and then making popcorn. By the time I sat down with them on the couch to watch it, it was 2/3rds done.

I enjoyed what was left nonetheless, and when it ended, Jimmy got up to dance to the credits, which is starting to become a pattern. The song was Little Wonders by Rob Thomas. I scooped up Mary and began to dance with her, and as she smiled in my face while I twirled around with her, a lump rose in my throat, and all at once I got weepy. Their faces when I dance with them, their happiness and simple joy at my attention, at playing in the music together--God, it gets me every time!

I had to put down Mary to pick up Jimmy and dance with him, too, and as I hiked his giraffe legs up to straddle my hip, I wondered how much longer I'll be able to pick him up like this, for how much longer will he let me hold him and dance and lay his head on my shoulder happily? Oh, my mom-heart aches to think of how fast these days will fly by, and I want to freeze frame them, capture them in my memory perfectly, never, ever forget how it feels to bear their whole body in my arms.

Course, Rob Thomas doesn't help the drama, singing "Time falls away, but these small hours, these little wonders still remain."  I challenge any mom to listen to that song, and think about the last time you danced with your child, and not get a little choked up.

When I think of time marching on, and how much these "small" hours will mean to me, and to them, once they are past . . . I feel so much . . . weight. Responsibilty. Such a heavy obligation, to make the most of every hour. To not wish time away while their Dad is deployed, while I am struggling with potty training, while I am trying to clean, cook dinner, and get them to bed so I can relax.

I remember a time after Jimmy was born, when I felt like our family had not really started yet. We were a family of three, but I still had a feeling that the real child-raising years, the days of siblings and sitting around the dinner table and family vacations, were still way ahead of us. We always wanted a big family, and both come from good sized families, so I guess I still looked to the future, when the chaos of kids reign in the house. Well, I can say with conviction we are there now. These are the glory days, they will be what my kids will remember as the good old days. When they say things like, "when I was a kid" or "my family would always" or "my mom used to," these are the times they will be talking about.

I wish I had let the dishes and mail wait, and sat down with them a little sooner.

All of my regret will wash away somehow,
but I cannot forget the way I feel right now,
In these small hours, these twists and turns of fate.

Three good things

1. I've been hitting the Starbucks more than usual lately, and have been meaning to blog a complaint about how much coffee manages to splash out of that teeny tiny hole on the top of the Starbucks lid! It seems to defy reasonable expectations of leakage. Try putting a grande half-caf in the cupholder of a stroller and rolling across some pavers--what a mess!! But today, I drove thru Starbucks by the 32nd street commissary (not enough Starbucks drive thrus out here, btw) and they passed me my coffee with a little green stir stick that perfectly plugs the sippy hole! Genius!

2. The UPS man dropped a package at my door, which is always fun, especially when I'm not expecting anything (brown paper packages tied up with string . . . ) and it was a gift from my friend Sarah! A cute, and hilarious, messenger bag, from a great website Sarah has introduced me to, www.ThePatrioticWife.com. I'll have to post a pic here later. You're so thoughtful Sarah!

3. While digging for gold in my garage, I finally found the tray to my baby's high chair! This unpacking thing has gone pretty well, now if I could just find the mixer that got lost in the sea of garage boxes after the last move . . .

You gotta accentuate the positive

I have been so grouchy and missing Virginia Beach, it finally occurred to me I need to focus on some positives. I know San Diego is a great city, and lots of people come here to visit . . . so I should be grateful live here. Here's my attempt at looking at the sunny side.

• Sunshine
• Good avocados
• The Zoo and Wild Animal Park
• Our neighborhood pool down the street
• My friend Jill down the street

Oh, it is so hard to restrain myself from going on to mention the negatives, they just poor from my brain at the end of every attempt at a positive thought! For example:

• Since the sun ALWAYS shines, I always feel obliged to go out and DO something with my kids, and I feel guilty staying inside. I really want a good rainy day or two, or a good summer storm, to let me hunker down indoors guilt-free with movies and a fire in the fireplace and chicken & dumplings on the stove.
• Avocados are expensive, and they make me want to make guacamole, but Jamie always makes the guacamole, and he is not here . . .
• Money is too tight for me to buy the Zoo family pass this month.

I could go on but I'll spare you.

D-day Sucks

Deployment day, that is. Kissing him goodbye at the airport curb, and trying to smile while he walks away. Missing my exit off the highway cuz I was wiping away tears. Coming home and noticing his towel is still wet from his shower. Missing the phone when he calls from his stopover in San Fransisco before boarding for Japan. Listening to his message saying goodbye one last time. I hate deployment day.