Small Things

If we stay home, the swines win.

I've never been a panicky type. No one's ever accused me of being a hypochondriac, I hate going to the doctor, and I'm not easily scared. (Unless of course, the lights are off and a scary movie trailer comes on during Leno.)

No, I'm more the whistling-in-the-dark type. When the threat is somewhat real, that's when it's time to sing songs and tell jokes and act like everything's fine. Wash your hands, of course, but go abut your business. We're supposed to wash our hands anyway, right?

I was amazed to find out that city schools were closed for two days in Alabama, where there have been no cases of this flu.

We live 5 minutes from the border, there have been 5 cases of H1N1 in our county, and yet my kids are in school, we go to the Y, the grocery store, even the Chic-fil-A playland.

I have been much more vigilant about hand-washing, and one mom in my son's kindergarten greets her son at pick-up time by wiping him down with antibacterial wipes. Even though there's a big bottle of hand sanitizer for everyone to use upon entering the classroom. Another mom kept her son home for a couple of days, but came back today.

I'm just not that worried. As far as I can find out from the CDC and other sources, this flu is really no more dangerous than ordinary seasonal flu. Rather than keep my kids home from school, I think it's more important to make sure they sleep well, eat and drink well, get plenty of juice, water, and vitamins, and stay generally healthy so that if they do catch it, they could recover quickly.

Hmmm, too bad Biden couldn't add that to his advice about staying out of planes and subways. (Maybe he meant that, too.)

With that, I'm off to get some flu-preventing sleep. After I take my vitamin and drink my water, of course. (Can you hear me whistling?)

35 isn't mid-life, it's mid-project

I am turning 35 this month. My husband asked me how I feel about turning 35, and my answer was, "I don't." I don't feel anything about it. Because I really don't think about it. Maybe that's a nice collateral effect of being preoccupied with three small children all the time.

I've discussed birthdays and aging with a few people lately, and I've figured out that I see my life right now as a stage, an era in my life. Having kids at home all the time, being a stay-at-home mom, is hard, and chaotic, and  . . . restrictive in many ways. I absolutely chose this life, and cherish this life, even though I don't always handle it gracefully.

But I also know it is temporary. Fleeting, even. My life will change dramatically when they are all in school for most of the day. When they are all able to do chores, pour drinks, bathe themselves, and are potty-independant, it will be a whole new ballgame. They will still need me . . . but not so constantly, and not so physically. Hopefully a little more cerebrally.

A couple of friends recently talked about coming to terms with reaching our adult goals in our thirties, and then feeling bored, with no major goals around the bend. That's not a problem for me. This job is a temp job, and I even have an end date in sight.

My husband is eligible for retirement from the Navy when we're 42. And even if we have another child, he or she would be school age by then, as well. So while I have no idea where we will be living, or what my husband's job will be, I know that age 42 will be a life-changing door to opportunity to me. Many restrictions lifted. More time for my individual pursuits.

When I've discussed this with my husband, he grins and says, "Who said I'm getting out at 20? That could be be when it just gets interesting!" We'll see. I'm open to discussion, when the time comes. Regardless, there will be a new era, new goals to plan.

For now, I am but halfway through the current plan. Mid-project, still working out the kinks, haven't quite found the balance between my kids needs and my own. Tinkering with a couple new strategies, particularly in the stress-management area.

Boredom is not a problem. I'm OK with 35. It's actually better than 30 was. I've been abundantly blessed with family, and lots of it, which keeps me busy but happy. It's going to be a good birthday.

I think something's calling

I had a long talk with a fellow Navy spouse today, and my heart just filled with . . . recognition. Confirmation of our shared experience. I don't know why, when I have so often told others how important it is to find support among people in the same boat, I continually forget it myself. Why do I have to be hit head over the head to be reminded that we struggle with the same stresses, and obstacles, and pitfalls.

I may manage to keep moving forward, just barely handling my load, but always, always there are women just like me starting the same path, with no answers. Stumbling at the same blocks I did. With no map.

Why are we always, always reinventing the wheel? This is not unchartered territory. Why are we so timid about sharing the load?

I guess I feel like I haven't got all the answers. Not sure that I have any wisdom to share. But I do know a couple things.

1. Knowing in advance that the path we choose is hard, is no reason to give up searching for a way to make it easier.

2. Narrowly focusing on always bearing our own load can prevent us from noticing when another's load is slipping.

I've missed it a couple of times. I can't let myself miss another. Especially not if it's me.

No resolutions here, I'm plum out of resolve

I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year. I think because there are so many things I know I should do, know I need to do, not to mention the things I'd like to do. And I know instinctively that just "resolving" to do them won't get them done.

The other night, I went out for milk and bread and wound up at the Barnes and Noble. (Jamie called right after I finally got into the grocery store, "What? Yes, of course I'm at the ALbertson's, hear the coffee grinding right now? Where else would I be?"

I went to the self-help section first. I've had several books on life-organization for stay-at-home moms on my Amazon wishlist, but haven't been able to find any such topic in an actuial bookstore. Books for moms are on childcare, pregnancy, or of the cup-of-comfort vignette variety. But I don't need another childcare book, or a cozy vignette. I need help.

I've been saying for some time that somethings gotta give. I am not keeping my marbles very well gathered when Jamie is gone. Between kids, housework, cooking, school stuff, afterschool stuff, bills and real estate, and the BabyPhilosophy business, marbles are rolling under the couch into dark corners I dare not search.

This last deployment, it was the business that gave. Well, ok, and the housework. And often the cooking. And then when I would drop the ball with the kids, I just felt like crap.

And giving up on these things leave me feeling like a failure. What am I working my butt off for if nothing gets done well? (ANd my butt is still there?) What is there for me to feel proud of?

I know that I need accomplishment to feel satisfied. I need acheivements, goals met, good things created, stuff I am proud of to gaze at before I go to bed, so I can feel . . . productive. Successful at SOMETHING.

I know, I really do, that the ultimate success, more important than any other I strive for, is to raise my kids into capable, fulfilled, and generous adults. But come on, that won't be for, like, another 15 years! I need something slightly more short term than that to keep me going through the daily grind.

Why is there not a whole shelf at the BArnes and Noble dedicated to this dilemma?

I did find a book that I am excited about, and I will share that in my next post. Right now, I am off to bed.

Lightning strikes mommies, too

In the late night hours of Halloween night, my closest friend had a major stroke.

She and her husband had a normal Halloween, pizza with the kids followed by trick-or-treating, and putting them to bed despite the sugar high. Sometime in the wee hours, my friend went to the bathroom and fell, and her husband found her paralyzed on one side.

Words can't express the terror I feel each and every time I think about her helpless there on the bathroom floor, with her two preschoolers asleep down the hall. As a military wife whose husband is deployed right now, I feel overwhelming panic at the thought of something happening to my kids mother. (That would be me.) My friend is also a military wife, and I know everyone who loves that family has thought, Thank God, Thank God her husband was home.

He called 911 immediately, got someone to stay with the kids, and my friend had surgery just a few hours later. Physically, she is recovering miraculously well. But there is much she can't handle yet, and will need to lean on her husband and friends for awhile. Very hard to do for someone so self-sufficient as a military wife. But military wifedom also carries the blessing of a lifestyle that makes us part of a community.

I've only known her for a year, but she is one of my closest friends. We who move a lot and who single-parent our kids much of the time learn to make friends quickly. Close friends. Friends who come over for major holidays, who change your kids' diapers unasked, who make plans to meet at Starbucks at a moments notice. Because we need each other, and we've learned how to bond quickly.

So I will do what I can for my friend, I want to help her however she needs me. But I don't like this reminder that we, the spouses left behind, are still vulnerable too. I want to believe that mommies can't get sick, not REALLY sick. They never fall down. They don't get hurt. They can't have strokes.

I guess maybe there really is a reason besides creaky airducts that I don't sleep well at night when my husband is deployed.

If you're planning a baby, you should be taking Folic Acid

Did you know that this week is National Folic Acid Awareness Week? Folic acid, or folate, is the supplement I take to help prevent neural tube birth defects like my baby Hope's. There is an interesting new study, Folate Levels in Young Women Dropping, at Foxnews.com about the fortification of foods with this B vitamin. It's added to enriched wheat products, which has helped reduce the occurance of neural tube defects.

A neural tube defect, like anencephaly or spina bifida, occurs when the neural tube does not properly close, or "zip up" all the way to the top of what will be the skull and spinal column. This happens by day 28 of a pregnancy, so taking folic acid only after you find out you're pregnant is really too late.

I strongly believe this is something all women need to know about, so let me share what I know.

The recommended daily allowance (RDA) of folic acid for the average woman is only 400 mcg. That's what's in a standard multivitamin. But for pregnant women and those trying-to-conceive, the RDA is 1000mcg (which equals 1 mg). Since an egg begins developing for release 3 months prior to ovulation, that means women need to start taking daily folic acid 3 months before conception.

For those (like me) who've had a baby with a NTD, the RDA is 5 mg. Conception has a stubborn habit of refusing to follow to our schedules, which is why most married women may want to take folic acid daily for the rest of their childbearing years. That's my plan. For those related (by blood or marriage) to a baby with an NTD, the RDA is 2 mg. That goes for relatives of the mother, relatives of the father, and even spouses of relatives. It is clear that there's a genetic factor, and that may include the father's genes as well as the mother's. So all siblings of the mother and father, whether male or female, have a higher risk factor for NTDs.

You can buy folic acid tablets at any grocery or discount store, but usually in just 400 mcg tablets. You can usually find 800 mcg tablets at health food stores. You can also ask your doctor for a prescription for 1 mg tablets, which is how I get mine. And you can get more information about folic acid and the prevention of birth defects from the National Council on Folic Acid.