Small Things

Top 5 Signs Autumn is Coming

Here in Southern California, we can't rely on the usual signs that summer is over and that fall is on the way. Our school district is year-round, so for my kids, back-to-school time was in the middle of July. And come September, there is no real turning of leaves. I've noticed the one deciduous tree over my driveway sheds it's leave continuously, with a major mess dropping in early summer, not autumn.

But I love autumn, it's the best time of year, so I do look forward to the few clear signs that it's almost here.

1. The heat breaks, and I can turn off the air conditioning. August can be brutally hot. While the weather is mild year-round here, if we are going to have a heat wave, it happens in august. We live a good 25 minutes from the beach, so we have fewer breezes, no marine layer, and long, long days of unadulterated clear blue skies. Every. Single. Day. No clouds, no rain, no merciful low-pressure fronts bringing thunder storms. What I wouldn't give for a good afternoon thunder-shower.

2. I stock up on cake mix for birthdays. My son's birthday is in October, and my oldest daughter's is in September. Just this week I made cupcakes for her preschool class, a cake for our family after her birthday dinner, and I have one more to make for her actual party on Friday. This is a ridiculous amount of cake in one week. But I love making homemade (read: messy) birthday cakes, and this year, I successfully made all-natural pink frosting tinted with beet juice. I've come a long way since the Red-Dye Incident of 2004.

3. Pumpkin Spice Latte returns to Starbucks. Need I say more?

4. The corn maze is gettin' high. I always drive a convoluted back road route to get to the highway, because the fast-connecting newish highway has a mind-boggling toll of $2.50. I refuse to pay it, unless I am seriously running late for an appointment. I like the back way, because the valley is filled with heady aromas of sage and eucalyptus, and sometimes, just past the hand-lettered sign that reads "Andalusion Stallion at Stud," we see horses out for a walk past the golf course. I recently drove my friend to the Navy hospital when she was in serious labor, and on autopilot I passed the connector and headed down the backroads. I was afraid she was going to get upset, but she was so busy with contractions and practically smacking out the windows of her Volvo with her hand that she didn't notice or say anything. So, along this back route is a christmas tree farm/pumpkin patch that is vacant all summer, but when we can see the pumpkins growing and the corn maze getting high, we know fall is just around the corner. My kids get excited when the hay bales appear and lights are strung, they happily remind me that it's almost pumpkin season.

5. The new fall season of television. I'm not that excited about it this year, because I don't watch many prime time shows. I'm still waiting for Big Love, and Biggest Loser, and the new American Idol. I feel a little guilty about it, but I do enjoy Desperate Housewives. Normally, my husband and I love all the Law and Orders, but I can't watch when he's deployed because it'll make me think too much about violent crime and then I'll never get any sleep. I am really enjoying Jay Leno at 10, it's just what I need as I get ready for bed, a little amusing and timely monologue that I don't have to sit through the local news to get to.

I do miss the traditional shopping for school supplies and sweaters and corduroys, and the crunching  fall leaves waiting to be raked into big piles for kids to jump in. I am an East Coaster at heart. But I picked up a couple of short corduroy skirts at Old Navy, which coordinate nicely with my brown flip flops. And Trader Joe's has some nice looking chrysanthemums. This fall also brings another Homecoming, when my husband's carrier returns home to San Diego next month. It's going to be a great autumn.

How a Navy spouse club can be like Big Love

One of the spouses in my club has a two week old baby and came down with a fever this weekend. As she has two older kids, and our husbands are deployed, she could use a little help, so another spouse and I picked up her kids the last two days so she could rest with the baby and get well. Yesterday we took them all to the Zoo.

As I have three kids, and my friend has one, we wound up with 6 kids in all. It's really surprising how often we fill up every seat in my 8 passenger Outlook. We put the youngest two in a double stroller, and headed straight to the Children's Zoo, where there's a new playground, kid-sized picnic tables, and a petting zoo. It is quite a feat to keep tabs on all of them in a crowd (Labor Day weekend is probably not the best time to take a group of children to the San Diego Zoo), but we didn't lose any of them, and that is the number one goal, after all.

As we were shepherding the kids around, passing out drinks and snacks, yelling at them to walk, to stop picking flowers, to wait for us, etc., my friend commented that she and I might look like a pair of mormon-type moms with all our kids. I noticed she was in a dress, I was in a denim skirt with sneakers, we both had our hair up, and both daughters had dresses on, too. I grinned and said we made good sister-wives. She doesn't watch HBO, so I had to explain about Big Love.

The illusion only went so far, as at one point we both smelled freshly brewed coffee, and we are both addicts. She said we might have to get some. But then I noticed a stand selling beer, and half-fun-full-earnest suggested we get that instead. A little while later we settled our crew on a log bench at Dr. Zoolittle's Science Show, and my friend handed me a Corona with lime, shattering the mormon-like image. One beer got kicked over, which was totally predictable yet unavoidable. I eventually poured the remaining beer into a kids cup with a lid and one of those whistly-straws. (Don't worry, we did not confuse it with the kids' drinks.)

In the end, I decided that life with six kids definitely is easier with more than one mom. But while having a sister-wife might be handy during times like deployment, I think I can live with having Navy spouse friends instead. When times get tough, we team up pretty well.

The first day of catechism

My first grade son started catechism classes yesterday, beginning to prepare for his first communion in two years.  He seemed to have a good time, when he walked in several kids he'd met at vacation bible school this summer called out called out his name, and they all started acting silly together.

All the parents gathered outside for a meeting with the director of religious education at our parish. The children's ministry building is new this year for our parish, it had previously been a preschool, but our church took it over and renovated it so our kids now have space for classes and activities. Sorely needed. Several years ago I volunteered to teach a 5th grade catechism class, and we met in what is now a storage closet.

So behind this new building is a big play area, with shade, and most importantly, fences. While the director addressed all the parents, our couple dozen preschoolers, too young for catechism, played 40 feet away on the playground, close enough to watch but far enough to not interrupt grownup conversation. Surrounded by fences, and supervised by a couple of confirmation students.

The director told us he'll be leading a bible study for parents here in the back yard of the ministry building during all classes, and plans for us all to bring our young ones to play just as they did yesterday. I know he's always led those bible studies before, but I never considered going because they were always crowded into some corner of the church, and I knew my two girls would not be able to sit and color or play quietly indoors like that.

But now! My girls were so happy playing, and I looked around at all the moms, and seriously, I was afraid I might start crying. I am so looking forward to Thursday evenings now. To have all of my kids happily engaged, while I get to be in basically the best Book club ever with other parents struggling with the same lifestyle as mine . . . what a blessing! What a bonus to bringing my kid to catechism!

Last night, I couldn't get Jimmy to tell me anything about what they talked about in his class. I tried, but he said he didn't really want to talk about it. I suspect he was still processing the new classroom, the new teacher, the kids, and the workbook. Maybe he is at a loss as to how to sum up the lesson for the day. (Also, he lost a tooth right at bedtime, and may have been preoccupied with thoughts of the tooth fairy coming.)

But I think he'll be happy to return next Thursday. I know I will be.

I think it's the start of a new era

Last week my oldest child started first grade. He was in half-day kindergarten last year, from 11 to 2, but is finally on a full schoolday schedule. His school starts at 7:45 in the morning.

So this is it, folks. No more do my earliest days begin with preschool drop off at 9, or the occassional 8 AM doctors appointment. This mom-gig may be 24-7, 365, but I at least enjoyed sleeping in most mornings til 8. No more. For the rest of my childraising years, at least 17 years more, I will rise with the sun. Sometimes before it.

I am trying not to focus on how contrary to my nature this is. I have been falling asleep during Conan's monologue, barely able to switch off the tv through my sleepy fog. I am exhausted from my full days, but I think that Conan's move to 11:35 has tricked my mind into feeling like it is later. Last night , I didn't even make it to Conan. Maybe when Leno starts his ten o'clock show, it will cue me to sleep even earlier?

I am amazed how much more I am getting done each day. Both by rising earlier, and thanks to the extended schedule first grade affords. My drop-off and pick-up schedule is much saner than it was last year, when each day I had only an hour or so between trips to my kids' two schools. It is thanks to this block of over six hours (six hours!) uninterupted by obligatory school runs that I am getting some quality time on the computer to finally return to my blog. This day feels positively indulgent.

Now I am wondering where in the country they might still have full-day kinder. Because I've got two more kids yet to turn 5, and once I get used to this staying-in-one-place for 6 hours, it will be so hard to return to the all-day chauffering.

Afraid of the Dark

Our six-year-old has been struggling with fear lately, like most kids do. He doesn't like going into dark rooms at night, and I understand because neither do I. I am still a little afraid of the dark. When my husband's deployed, I like to sleep with a hall light on.

When we moved back into this condo in our last move, there was no overhead light in Jimmy's room, so I bought a hanging lantern with a light kit at Pier One and hung it in his room, plugged to the socket that the switch by the door controls.

My husband is not so understanding of Jimmy's fears. I don't think he's ever really been afraid of anything, and I suppose that is partly why he's so well suited to being a Navy pilot. But he doesn't like to indulge our kids' fears, and while I agree it's good to help them get over them, I don't believe in the "throw them in the deep end" method.

Last night, Jimmy was told to go upstairs and get pj's on and brush his teeth. He did a squirmy little dance, whining that he was afraid. His dad rolled his eyes, but I pulled him over to sit next to me and asked him to tell me what he was afraid of upstairs.

He didn't want to tell me. I told him I'm afraid of the dark sometimes, even though there's nothing to be afraid of, so I understand. "Why won't you tell me?" I asked.

"Because I'm afraid you'll laugh."

"I promise I won't laugh. You can trust me."

He hesitated. Finally, he quietly said, "Aliens."

I had to press my lips together really hard. And then bite down on them a little. I felt my husband quietly chuckling next to me.

We all ended up going upstairs together to get the kids ready for bed. It's tough keeping a promise sometimes.

35 isn't mid-life, it's mid-project

I am turning 35 this month. My husband asked me how I feel about turning 35, and my answer was, "I don't." I don't feel anything about it. Because I really don't think about it. Maybe that's a nice collateral effect of being preoccupied with three small children all the time.

I've discussed birthdays and aging with a few people lately, and I've figured out that I see my life right now as a stage, an era in my life. Having kids at home all the time, being a stay-at-home mom, is hard, and chaotic, and  . . . restrictive in many ways. I absolutely chose this life, and cherish this life, even though I don't always handle it gracefully.

But I also know it is temporary. Fleeting, even. My life will change dramatically when they are all in school for most of the day. When they are all able to do chores, pour drinks, bathe themselves, and are potty-independant, it will be a whole new ballgame. They will still need me . . . but not so constantly, and not so physically. Hopefully a little more cerebrally.

A couple of friends recently talked about coming to terms with reaching our adult goals in our thirties, and then feeling bored, with no major goals around the bend. That's not a problem for me. This job is a temp job, and I even have an end date in sight.

My husband is eligible for retirement from the Navy when we're 42. And even if we have another child, he or she would be school age by then, as well. So while I have no idea where we will be living, or what my husband's job will be, I know that age 42 will be a life-changing door to opportunity to me. Many restrictions lifted. More time for my individual pursuits.

When I've discussed this with my husband, he grins and says, "Who said I'm getting out at 20? That could be be when it just gets interesting!" We'll see. I'm open to discussion, when the time comes. Regardless, there will be a new era, new goals to plan.

For now, I am but halfway through the current plan. Mid-project, still working out the kinks, haven't quite found the balance between my kids needs and my own. Tinkering with a couple new strategies, particularly in the stress-management area.

Boredom is not a problem. I'm OK with 35. It's actually better than 30 was. I've been abundantly blessed with family, and lots of it, which keeps me busy but happy. It's going to be a good birthday.

Mom's Golden Rule

If there is one rule that my kids learn to obey and never question, one rule that they never need reminders for, that they internalize so completely that it becomes instinctive behavior, let it be this:

Do Not Talk to Mommy While She Is Counting Coffee Scoops.

It's not like they would ever get punished for breaking this rule. If I'm in a really good mood, I will just ask them once again to please, please, please wait until I am done scooping the coffee.

If I am grouchy, mostly they get ignored, glared at, or exasperated sighs thrown their way. But if they mess up my count, they might get snapped at to be quiet for a minute.

Today poor Mary came and found me ten minutes later at the computer and asked me if I was done scooping the coffee yet. So clearly she needs a bit more explanation. And perhaps a bit more attention?

Should the military treat men and women the same?

Interesting article on the AP today: Army mom who reported with kids meets base leaders.

In short, Lisa Pagan is a stay-at-home mom of two kids, who was honorably discharged from the army four years ago, and has been called back to duty. Her husband must travel for his job, she has no one to care for her kids, so she has taken  them with her to her new command to appeal the recall.

There are so many ways to judge this!

As a mom, I think, of course she has to take care of her children, she's been out for four years, they can't take her back away from her kids. And exactly who would take care of them?

As the wife of a naval officer, I think of the many young moms in my husband's past commands who had to prepare "family care plans" for their children before a deployment.

In particular, I remember meeting a young woman at the squadron Christmas party who worked for my husband who was eight months pregnant, single, and who had to deploy with the carrier in several months, and would be sending her 3 month old baby to live with her mother in Puerto Rico. I tried to look un-phased as she told me, nodding sympathetically, just listening. Inside, I was completely horrified. Trying to stop imagining this woman kissing her tiny infant good bye for over six months.

Even men have to come up with these care plans, my husband has helped single dads arrange care for their kids, too, when planning for deployment. It's hard on all kinds of families.

I know well and understand the military's position, that this is what you sign on for, and it's up to you to plan for it.

Though my husband is an officer and doesn't have a contract, he still makes a commitment for a period of time, and if something happened to me, he would still have to deploy with his command. Our wills include a plan for our three kids' care in the event I'm gone and daddy has to deploy.

The article says she is on "individual ready reserve" status, which means she has time left on her original enlistment contract. She's been out for four years, so I can't help but wonder, how long was her contract for? Anything over 4 years sounds ridiculous to me. There must be more to the story. I mean, should the military really be able to own you for that long? A young woman, especially?

I can't help but think that this exact situation is one example of what's wrong with gender "equality." I'm not saying women shouldn't serve in the military. But men and women are not the same. Life is so much more complicated than the t-shirt I remember wearing when I was a little girl in the 70's that said "Anything boys can do, girls can do better."

I just think that we can't just teach our girls that they can do anything they want, they can have it all, and then let them make their choices, just like the boys. Let them begin adulthood making the same commitments, as though there is no difference between a young man and a young woman.

The military tries to act like babies change nothing. Any mom can tell you, having a baby can change, in an instant, every plan you ever had. And there is no such thing as having it all, at least not at the same time. Even outside the military, working women knock themselves out trying to find "balance." Which really equates to choosing, and choosing wisely, what you commit to.

I just wonder, do recruiters really sign women up for 5 year, 6 year, 7 year contracts? Should they be allowed to?

Pretending that there's no difference between men and women, moms and dads, doesn't help anyone, least of all the babies.

I remember learning the term "opportunity cost" in my high school economics class, I had no idea it would be the ruling principle in my life as an adult. Do high schools still teach Home Ec? Seems to me teenage girls would be better prepared for real life as a mom if they taught a class called "Balance."

Back to this young mom's situation, I hope that they decide she is not a good candidate for reactivation. Don't know if that is exactly fair, it certainly isn't equal. Her situation may not even be that unusual. Though her press coverage is certainly unusual.

Opinion, anyone?

Top 5 Mom Injuries

Moms often come across warnings of common dangers to our children, but rarely do we see statistics on what kinds of injuries mothers commonly suffer. Now, I am not researching official records of reported injuries, my list is purely anecdotal.

1. Failing to fully clear a babygate and crashing down face first, possibly spraining a wrist. I was never really into sports, so I haven't much experience with being thrown to the ground, tackled, or otherwise finding myself prostrate and in pain. But at least twice I have tripped mid-gate-hurdling and crashed down, so violently that I lay there a good minute getting over the pain and gathering strength to get up again. Unfortunately, there are no teammates to take a knee while waiting to see if I'm ok, no spectators to clap politely when I do finally walk away from it. Then again, I am usually glad no one sees me do stuff like this.

2. Being bitten shockingly hard while clearing a choking hazard from your toddler's mouth. You know the feeling, those tiny little new baby teeth chomping down on your knuckle so tightly you can't help crying out. Sometimes it's even difficult to open the baby's jaw, and when you finally do you gaze in pain at the very deep impressions left on your finger, while the baby's smiles at her little game. Makes me marvel at how resiliant fingers are.

3. Burns from the oven. This has got to be a common one. It may not be ideal. but sometimes you've got to put things in or take things out of the oven while keeping a toddler away with one foot. So you only halfway open the oven door to slide in the baking sheet at an angle, brushing your hand or wrist againt the oven roof, or rack, or door. Ouch.

4. Mystery bruises. Ever step out of the shower and notice bruises on your hip or shin or arm that you don't remember getting? My husband thinks I'm crazy when I say I don't know where they came from, but moms are often so busy rushing, hauling, carrying, and thinking of what to make for dinner at the same time we don't even notice getting injured.

5. Repetitive back strain. This must, by far, be the most universal and endemic kind of injury mothers suffer. It starts during pregnancy, when your abs are stretched and spread til they are useless, and continues through various stresses and posture contortions, like lying on only your left side for 4 months, carrying laundry with a 1 year old on your hip, or nursing a baby while working on the computer.

So, moms, any of these strike a chord with you? Have I forgotten some other common injuries? We moms forget our injuries easily, seems we are always focused on our kids injuries. It may be a pain to be a mom sometimes, but when you've got a preschooler to sympathetically kiss you boo-boos and make it better, there's nothing sweeter.

Valentine's Day=More Candy

So we made it through Valentine's week. At school, anyway. I've learned that when it comes to holidays, moms have to plan and provide for the school celebration, as well as the family celebration. Not sure how I feel about that. Not that I have anything against celebrating holidays at school. It just seems to me the demands are a little more than necessary.

Jimmy goes to half-day kindergarten, and has a relatively small class of just 15 kids. But on half days, they are combined with the morning class, as they were for the Valentine party. Jimmy had to make 40 valentines. And leave the 'To' field empty because they wouldn't have time to search through names to hand them out. And, since when did Valentines all come with candy? When I was a kid, we just handed out the little cards. And writing names on them was an opportunity to practice writing our friends names. Jimmy and I stuffed 40 Valentine bags with candy, and it took way too long for him to write 'ny friend' in the 'To' field.

Then Jimmy came home with a bag of candy and Valentines to rival Halloween and the Easterbunny. I guess there's noting wrong with that, as long as I ration the candy. My problem is , how exciting will the small offering of candy I usually give at Valentine's seem in the face in all that party candy? I guess I'll have to change what I've done in the past. I just don't want one more 'holiday' that has the kids expecting a toy every year. Please spare me the 'Valentine Wishlist.'