Small Things

I think something's calling

I had a long talk with a fellow Navy spouse today, and my heart just filled with . . . recognition. Confirmation of our shared experience. I don't know why, when I have so often told others how important it is to find support among people in the same boat, I continually forget it myself. Why do I have to be hit head over the head to be reminded that we struggle with the same stresses, and obstacles, and pitfalls.

I may manage to keep moving forward, just barely handling my load, but always, always there are women just like me starting the same path, with no answers. Stumbling at the same blocks I did. With no map.

Why are we always, always reinventing the wheel? This is not unchartered territory. Why are we so timid about sharing the load?

I guess I feel like I haven't got all the answers. Not sure that I have any wisdom to share. But I do know a couple things.

1. Knowing in advance that the path we choose is hard, is no reason to give up searching for a way to make it easier.

2. Narrowly focusing on always bearing our own load can prevent us from noticing when another's load is slipping.

I've missed it a couple of times. I can't let myself miss another. Especially not if it's me.

"I don't care how you get here . . . "

Tonight I am congratulating myself on my record number of page-views in the last two days. I have finally lured in SEVERAL readers per day! Course, not only did I post a link to my last post on facebook, I also sent the link to the facebook inboxes of all my relatives. A handful showed up!

I was motivated to beg for readers because I felt really, really bad about missing my sister's birthday, and so I wanted my birthday post for her to be special. I wanted to share the love.

Looking through my site stats, though, I see some hits that come from google searches. I love to see what kind of searches pull up my blog. The number one hit I get is on my post about California's prop 2 about chicken treatment, Choice for Chickens. Not what I would've put my money on.

But tonight I found a search that takes the cake (and makes me grin)--someone got to my blog by searching "smacked bottom DVD." They landed on a post about my maternal skepticism of The Little Mermaid. They didn't stick around.

But I certainly hope you stick around, you who are reading this now! And come back soon!

Unless of course you are also looking for the "smacked bottom DVD." (Let's see how many hits I get now!)

Ode to my sister on her 30th birthday

I am lousy with birthdays. I wish I always remembered ahead of time to send a card, to plan time to call. I missed my little sister's milestone birthday, a biggie. Wish I could have been there for her birthday dinner, instead on the other side of the continent. But in honor of her 30 years, all of which I remember and am grateful for, here are:

30 things about Cori

1. She has a dorky laugh and is completely un-self-concious of it, as it should be.

2. She loves music so much that her chosen occupation is using it to change lives.

3. She is so driven and focused, when she wants to do something, she does it. I admire that.

4. She has a big heart.

5. She plays like 12 instruments, though clarinet was her first.

6.When she was in high school, she used to make herself virgin pina coladas in the blender on almost a daily basis, I think.

7. She looked really cute in a band uniform, which is not the case for everyone.

8. She does not like to argue. Which is almost a past-time for my older sister and I. So she has put up with a lot.

9. I am so glad she took guitar lessons, so that now we have Phil in our family!

10. Phil doesn't seem to like to argue either, which makes for a marriage totally foreign to my husband and me.

11. I think my parents still have some VHS tapes of Cori recording herself belting out some Mariah Carey tunes.

12. She also loved to rock out to C&C Music Factory.

13. She blew out her knee dancing to New Kids in the Block and had knee surgery

14. She used to hide behind the couch when she was scared. Like if there was loud thunder, or the smoke alarm went off (not real safe) or when she had to go put on her pajamas, but no one else was upstairs, so she would change behind the couch.

15. Once she learned more about fire safety, she decided to stage a fire drill. One evening when everyone else was in the kitchen, she ran down from upstairs screaming, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!" and ran out the front door. We all jumped up and ran to the front door, but my Dad leap up the stairs in a single bound, it seemed like. When Cori saw him do that, I think she began to regret not warning us that it was a drill.

16. On one of my Dad's birthdays, when Cori was still pretty little, we all gave him cards and gifts after dinner, and he of course opened and read them all. When he got to Cori's, it said something like, "Wishing you sympathy in your time of loss. Love, Cori Pelletier." We all laughed until we cried. Until we noticed Cori crawled into the corner and was crying of embarrasment. She was too little to go buy a card and had found one in a desk somewhere. Poor Cori! We felt so bad. I still feel bad! I know Dad loved that card.

17. Cori played softball for several years, and Dad was the team coach. The Firebirds, was it? Cori played catcher, and looked AWESOME in her catchers gear. I mean, truly impressive.

18. When I was in 2nd grade, we had school pictures and parents could bring younger preschool siblings in for pictures, so Mom brought Cori in, too.  When the pictures came back, they were given to me along with my pictures. I remember getting them and seeing how adorable 2-year-old Cori looked in her plaid jumper, I started to tear up. ( I got homesick at school a lot that year.)

19. Around that time, I remember Cori asking Mom, "Are you going to get me boy stuff like He-Man and Skeletor for my birthday?" My mom said of course not. Cori said, "But I LIKE boy stuff!"

20. She was the most adorable blondie cherub as a toddler.

21. I will always remember the Christmas Cori got a waterbed as a surprise, and threw herself on it and rolled back and forth saying, "My very own waterbed!" Ahhhhh, the 80's.

22. She was way in to Jem (who is truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous . . . ) and the Misfits.

23. When Nicki and I wanted to torment her when she was really little, we called her Nellie Olson. Or worse, Baby Brat.

24. I wish I had spent more time with her when I was a teenager.

25. Cori has the best nose.

26. She wears the same shoe size as me, but I moved out before her feet grew to my size, so we never got to share our shoes!

27. Cori, if you please, please come visit me in California I promise to share my shoes with you!

28. Cori loves moonsand.

29. I am so glad she is my sister and I wish we lived close enough to see each other every week.

30. Cori makes our family sunnier. Always has. Ialways feel yellow when I think of her. Cori is sunshine. 

Happy Birthday Cori!

With my sympathies, Love, Kristi Pelletier

Mom's Golden Rule

If there is one rule that my kids learn to obey and never question, one rule that they never need reminders for, that they internalize so completely that it becomes instinctive behavior, let it be this:

Do Not Talk to Mommy While She Is Counting Coffee Scoops.

It's not like they would ever get punished for breaking this rule. If I'm in a really good mood, I will just ask them once again to please, please, please wait until I am done scooping the coffee.

If I am grouchy, mostly they get ignored, glared at, or exasperated sighs thrown their way. But if they mess up my count, they might get snapped at to be quiet for a minute.

Today poor Mary came and found me ten minutes later at the computer and asked me if I was done scooping the coffee yet. So clearly she needs a bit more explanation. And perhaps a bit more attention?

Sad Kitty

  We're a bit worried about our 14 year-old cat. A few weeks ago she got some kind of wound on her hip, we're not sure if it was from a fight, or a spider bite, or what. But it was open and not healing, so to the vet she went for a little surgery. A week ago we noticed it was opening up again, and not good, so back she went, and came home with more antibiotics and a cone this time, to keep her from licking and opening it up.

The kids were sad that the kitty is sick, but they are still very amused by the cone. Mary came home from the vet saying she looked like a baby doll. Jimmy thought it was hilarious that when they forced the cat back into the cat carrier, they had to fold the cone and she looked like a taco.

I feel bad for the cat, almost enough to regret some of the cold things I have said about her. In her youth, she was quite rambunctious, and was fond of leaping around corners to bite my ankle. Fiercely. She has bitten every single friend we've begged to feed her when we've gone on vacation.

 For awhile I called her the "devil cat." On the feast day of St. Francis, most Catholic churches invite you to bring your pets to the church for a blessing, so we brought our cat. Becoming Catholic didn't seem to change her behavior much, I guess she just had to grow out of it.

I feel bad for the times I wished we didn't have a cat. Like when the litter box needs changing, or when we have to bring her and her litter box and food bowls along on our cross-country moves. Or when we were in France for our fifth wedding anniversary and the innkeeper gave us a phone message we could only vaguely understand about a bite and our cat and vaccinations.

She's been pretty mellow the last few years. Finding it harder to jump on to the beds, waiting patiently for us to open the baby gate on the stairs for her. She mostly just lays around on the couch, the floor, on beds, under the crib.

Poor kitty.

Should the military treat men and women the same?

Interesting article on the AP today: Army mom who reported with kids meets base leaders.

In short, Lisa Pagan is a stay-at-home mom of two kids, who was honorably discharged from the army four years ago, and has been called back to duty. Her husband must travel for his job, she has no one to care for her kids, so she has taken  them with her to her new command to appeal the recall.

There are so many ways to judge this!

As a mom, I think, of course she has to take care of her children, she's been out for four years, they can't take her back away from her kids. And exactly who would take care of them?

As the wife of a naval officer, I think of the many young moms in my husband's past commands who had to prepare "family care plans" for their children before a deployment.

In particular, I remember meeting a young woman at the squadron Christmas party who worked for my husband who was eight months pregnant, single, and who had to deploy with the carrier in several months, and would be sending her 3 month old baby to live with her mother in Puerto Rico. I tried to look un-phased as she told me, nodding sympathetically, just listening. Inside, I was completely horrified. Trying to stop imagining this woman kissing her tiny infant good bye for over six months.

Even men have to come up with these care plans, my husband has helped single dads arrange care for their kids, too, when planning for deployment. It's hard on all kinds of families.

I know well and understand the military's position, that this is what you sign on for, and it's up to you to plan for it.

Though my husband is an officer and doesn't have a contract, he still makes a commitment for a period of time, and if something happened to me, he would still have to deploy with his command. Our wills include a plan for our three kids' care in the event I'm gone and daddy has to deploy.

The article says she is on "individual ready reserve" status, which means she has time left on her original enlistment contract. She's been out for four years, so I can't help but wonder, how long was her contract for? Anything over 4 years sounds ridiculous to me. There must be more to the story. I mean, should the military really be able to own you for that long? A young woman, especially?

I can't help but think that this exact situation is one example of what's wrong with gender "equality." I'm not saying women shouldn't serve in the military. But men and women are not the same. Life is so much more complicated than the t-shirt I remember wearing when I was a little girl in the 70's that said "Anything boys can do, girls can do better."

I just think that we can't just teach our girls that they can do anything they want, they can have it all, and then let them make their choices, just like the boys. Let them begin adulthood making the same commitments, as though there is no difference between a young man and a young woman.

The military tries to act like babies change nothing. Any mom can tell you, having a baby can change, in an instant, every plan you ever had. And there is no such thing as having it all, at least not at the same time. Even outside the military, working women knock themselves out trying to find "balance." Which really equates to choosing, and choosing wisely, what you commit to.

I just wonder, do recruiters really sign women up for 5 year, 6 year, 7 year contracts? Should they be allowed to?

Pretending that there's no difference between men and women, moms and dads, doesn't help anyone, least of all the babies.

I remember learning the term "opportunity cost" in my high school economics class, I had no idea it would be the ruling principle in my life as an adult. Do high schools still teach Home Ec? Seems to me teenage girls would be better prepared for real life as a mom if they taught a class called "Balance."

Back to this young mom's situation, I hope that they decide she is not a good candidate for reactivation. Don't know if that is exactly fair, it certainly isn't equal. Her situation may not even be that unusual. Though her press coverage is certainly unusual.

Opinion, anyone?