I didn't make any New Year's Resolutions this year. I think because there are so many things I know I should do, know I need to do, not to mention the things I'd like to do. And I know instinctively that just "resolving" to do them won't get them done.
The other night, I went out for milk and bread and wound up at the Barnes and Noble. (Jamie called right after I finally got into the grocery store, "What? Yes, of course I'm at the ALbertson's, hear the coffee grinding right now? Where else would I be?"
I went to the self-help section first. I've had several books on life-organization for stay-at-home moms on my Amazon wishlist, but haven't been able to find any such topic in an actuial bookstore. Books for moms are on childcare, pregnancy, or of the cup-of-comfort vignette variety. But I don't need another childcare book, or a cozy vignette. I need help.
I've been saying for some time that somethings gotta give. I am not keeping my marbles very well gathered when Jamie is gone. Between kids, housework, cooking, school stuff, afterschool stuff, bills and real estate, and the BabyPhilosophy business, marbles are rolling under the couch into dark corners I dare not search.
This last deployment, it was the business that gave. Well, ok, and the housework. And often the cooking. And then when I would drop the ball with the kids, I just felt like crap.
And giving up on these things leave me feeling like a failure. What am I working my butt off for if nothing gets done well? (ANd my butt is still there?) What is there for me to feel proud of?
I know that I need accomplishment to feel satisfied. I need acheivements, goals met, good things created, stuff I am proud of to gaze at before I go to bed, so I can feel . . . productive. Successful at SOMETHING.
I know, I really do, that the ultimate success, more important than any other I strive for, is to raise my kids into capable, fulfilled, and generous adults. But come on, that won't be for, like, another 15 years! I need something slightly more short term than that to keep me going through the daily grind.
Why is there not a whole shelf at the BArnes and Noble dedicated to this dilemma?
I did find a book that I am excited about, and I will share that in my next post. Right now, I am off to bed.
