Small Things

My Milspouse Education

It was hard coming up with a title for this post, because “education” just doesn’t seem like the best word. It sounds like something you get in a classroom, from books, and from listening to learned instructors. The wisdom I’ve gained as a milspouse has been much harder than that.

I think the hardest part of the kind of wisdom I’m talking about is that no one can tell you what you need to know.

Oh, you can sign up for a seminar at Fleet and Family Support, buy a book from Amazon, or get some handouts at an FRG meeting. And there are all kinds of things that older, more experienced milspouses can tell you, about deployment schedules, planning moves, and going it alone. That might help with some of the small stuff. But you can never really be prepared for this lifestyle. Just as it is with parenting, you really just have to learn from experience.

For military spouses, wisdom really boils down to learning the hard way how strong you really are. That is something we all have to learn individually, because we are all different.

One thing that I have learned is NOT true, is the old cliché that God gives the hardest stuff to the people who are strongest, and so we should take hardship as a compliment. I know for sure that is a bunch of bull. So is the one about how God will only give you as much as you can handle.

I know that we all have breaking points, and I know this because I have seen people break. People who were very close to me, who always smiled and said they were fine.

I’ve learned that stress is not something that just affects those with high-pressure jobs. Or rather, I have learned that being a milspouse and a mom IS a high-pressure job. And that being female and in my thirties does not make me immune to chronic stress. It can and will take me down and give me double pneumonia.

Now that I think again, I have to say there are some things that I HAVE learned from other people. I’ve learned from some very generous and big-hearted milspouses that there are times when you should show up on a person’s doorstep, walk in, and roll up your sleeves to help. Not only unasked, but even despite protests. Because it is notoriously against a milspouse’s nature to ask for help. But nobody told me this, I learned it when fellow milspouses walked in and cleaned my bathrooms, or put casseroles in my oven, or took my toddlers out for a walk on a random afternoon.

They say that one of the reasons that people join the military is to challenge themselves, to learn to be stronger than they thought they could be, and do things they aren’t sure they can do. I think being married to the military is very similar. Of course we aren’t facing combat, but we do sacrifice, and face loss and hardship and heartbreak. Not to mention home repairs.

And like our spouses, some of us get out at first chance, some hang in a bit longer, and some decide to make it home and stay in for the long haul.

As a long-hauler, I can say I am surer of my strength now, and honestly believe there is little I can’t survive.

And what I do know for sure, is that God doesn’t send us hardships because He knows we can handle it. He sends us love and a dedication to service, to face the hardships, and to help each other through it.

What do parents do when they go out without the kids?

Brad and Angelina's Night of Indulgence - FOXNews.com

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Parents, read this article about Brad and Angelina ducking out of a museum event early to hole up in their hotel room and order tons of room service. Or rather, parents really don't need to read it. Isn't this pretty much a non-story?

If I could go out all night without my kids, I can think of nothing better then holing up in a cool hotel with my hubby and eating good food in the peace and quiet, sharing uninterupted conversation, and then sleeping very, very well.

And I've just got three kids, my goodness, they have SIX! I wonder, did they have the conversation we always have on the rare instances we've escaped, I mean, gone out without kids? I say, Let's call and check on the kids. He says, No, they're fine, let's go to bed. I say we should say good night. He says they're probably already asleep, they'll live, don't call.

We've only gotten away twice, so I'm sure Brad and Angie are more rehearsed at it.

Navy Federal is gouging military families

Dear Navy Federal Credit Union,

We've been loyal customers for 17 years, and been happy with your excellent customer service. That is why we are especially disappointed to see you, too, are joining the throng of banks hastily hiking interest rates on credit cards before federal legislation makes it illegal to do so.

What makes it worse is how nimbly you throw off blame. In the notice you mailed to us, you write:

Due to changes in recent federal legislation, it has become necessary for us to update our credit card business practices.

What you really mean is:

Since federal legislation will soon make it illegal for us to gouge credit card customers, we are tripling your interest rate now, while we still can, before you or anyone else can stop us.

It's true times are tough, and it's true many of us don't have the stellar credit ratings we once had. But tripling the interest rate on a long-term loyal customer, an active duty servicemen just walking off the boat from deployment, on a line of credit that's been open and healthy for 15 years?

How many young enlisted servicemen currently deployed are going to take the time to read this notice and figure out what that will do to their monthly payments? How many will call and ask about the "opt-out" you make vague reference to? Will they even be able to call before the new rate kicks in?

Since we did call in time, we chose to "opt-out" of the new "terms," and canceled our 15-year-old credit card. It was the only reason we were still banking with you. Guess we'll switch everything else to USAA, a company who still stands by their customers and the military.

I guess I should say thanks for the incentive to cut up a credit card and stay straight on the cash. We'll be sure to spread the word.

Sincerely,

Formerly-loyal NFCU members

See: http://edition.cnn.com/2009/POLITICS/10/09/credit.card.outrage/index.html

Top 5 Signs Autumn is Coming

Here in Southern California, we can't rely on the usual signs that summer is over and that fall is on the way. Our school district is year-round, so for my kids, back-to-school time was in the middle of July. And come September, there is no real turning of leaves. I've noticed the one deciduous tree over my driveway sheds it's leave continuously, with a major mess dropping in early summer, not autumn.

But I love autumn, it's the best time of year, so I do look forward to the few clear signs that it's almost here.

1. The heat breaks, and I can turn off the air conditioning. August can be brutally hot. While the weather is mild year-round here, if we are going to have a heat wave, it happens in august. We live a good 25 minutes from the beach, so we have fewer breezes, no marine layer, and long, long days of unadulterated clear blue skies. Every. Single. Day. No clouds, no rain, no merciful low-pressure fronts bringing thunder storms. What I wouldn't give for a good afternoon thunder-shower.

2. I stock up on cake mix for birthdays. My son's birthday is in October, and my oldest daughter's is in September. Just this week I made cupcakes for her preschool class, a cake for our family after her birthday dinner, and I have one more to make for her actual party on Friday. This is a ridiculous amount of cake in one week. But I love making homemade (read: messy) birthday cakes, and this year, I successfully made all-natural pink frosting tinted with beet juice. I've come a long way since the Red-Dye Incident of 2004.

3. Pumpkin Spice Latte returns to Starbucks. Need I say more?

4. The corn maze is gettin' high. I always drive a convoluted back road route to get to the highway, because the fast-connecting newish highway has a mind-boggling toll of $2.50. I refuse to pay it, unless I am seriously running late for an appointment. I like the back way, because the valley is filled with heady aromas of sage and eucalyptus, and sometimes, just past the hand-lettered sign that reads "Andalusion Stallion at Stud," we see horses out for a walk past the golf course. I recently drove my friend to the Navy hospital when she was in serious labor, and on autopilot I passed the connector and headed down the backroads. I was afraid she was going to get upset, but she was so busy with contractions and practically smacking out the windows of her Volvo with her hand that she didn't notice or say anything. So, along this back route is a christmas tree farm/pumpkin patch that is vacant all summer, but when we can see the pumpkins growing and the corn maze getting high, we know fall is just around the corner. My kids get excited when the hay bales appear and lights are strung, they happily remind me that it's almost pumpkin season.

5. The new fall season of television. I'm not that excited about it this year, because I don't watch many prime time shows. I'm still waiting for Big Love, and Biggest Loser, and the new American Idol. I feel a little guilty about it, but I do enjoy Desperate Housewives. Normally, my husband and I love all the Law and Orders, but I can't watch when he's deployed because it'll make me think too much about violent crime and then I'll never get any sleep. I am really enjoying Jay Leno at 10, it's just what I need as I get ready for bed, a little amusing and timely monologue that I don't have to sit through the local news to get to.

I do miss the traditional shopping for school supplies and sweaters and corduroys, and the crunching  fall leaves waiting to be raked into big piles for kids to jump in. I am an East Coaster at heart. But I picked up a couple of short corduroy skirts at Old Navy, which coordinate nicely with my brown flip flops. And Trader Joe's has some nice looking chrysanthemums. This fall also brings another Homecoming, when my husband's carrier returns home to San Diego next month. It's going to be a great autumn.

How a Navy spouse club can be like Big Love

One of the spouses in my club has a two week old baby and came down with a fever this weekend. As she has two older kids, and our husbands are deployed, she could use a little help, so another spouse and I picked up her kids the last two days so she could rest with the baby and get well. Yesterday we took them all to the Zoo.

As I have three kids, and my friend has one, we wound up with 6 kids in all. It's really surprising how often we fill up every seat in my 8 passenger Outlook. We put the youngest two in a double stroller, and headed straight to the Children's Zoo, where there's a new playground, kid-sized picnic tables, and a petting zoo. It is quite a feat to keep tabs on all of them in a crowd (Labor Day weekend is probably not the best time to take a group of children to the San Diego Zoo), but we didn't lose any of them, and that is the number one goal, after all.

As we were shepherding the kids around, passing out drinks and snacks, yelling at them to walk, to stop picking flowers, to wait for us, etc., my friend commented that she and I might look like a pair of mormon-type moms with all our kids. I noticed she was in a dress, I was in a denim skirt with sneakers, we both had our hair up, and both daughters had dresses on, too. I grinned and said we made good sister-wives. She doesn't watch HBO, so I had to explain about Big Love.

The illusion only went so far, as at one point we both smelled freshly brewed coffee, and we are both addicts. She said we might have to get some. But then I noticed a stand selling beer, and half-fun-full-earnest suggested we get that instead. A little while later we settled our crew on a log bench at Dr. Zoolittle's Science Show, and my friend handed me a Corona with lime, shattering the mormon-like image. One beer got kicked over, which was totally predictable yet unavoidable. I eventually poured the remaining beer into a kids cup with a lid and one of those whistly-straws. (Don't worry, we did not confuse it with the kids' drinks.)

In the end, I decided that life with six kids definitely is easier with more than one mom. But while having a sister-wife might be handy during times like deployment, I think I can live with having Navy spouse friends instead. When times get tough, we team up pretty well.